Mailtime with General Tullius
by ShadowxSpark
Summary: It is the duty of General Tullius to respond to the letters of Skyrim's citizens; loosely follows main quest line
1. Chapter 1

Dear Ulfric Stormcloak,

Thanks, but no thanks. Mine is bigger, stronger, and longer than yours. In fact I allowed Legate Rikke to take a ride on it the other day and she said although it was too fast for her at first, she got used to the rough pace. Now she rides it all the time when I'm not using it. So all things considered I'm going to have to decline your offer to trade horses.

Regards, General Tullius

Dear Hadvar,

It is good to know that you have made it out of the dragon attack alive and well solder. I expect for you to report to Castle Dour after you wrap up things in Riverwood. As for the mysterious stranger that tagged along with you who claims to be this "dragonborn" you can go ahead and ignore this fool.

Regards, General Tullius

P.S. I'm afraid I have no idea what you are talking about solder. Legate Rikke and I are not in a romantic relationship or one with "no strings attached", the noises you heard coming from my room must have been from my cat.

Dear Jarl Balgruuf,

I'm afraid my last message wasn't clear enough to you old man; let me restate one more time. Summit to the Imperial Empire now or you will burn in eternal hell with your Talos god!

Regards, General Tullius

Dear Dragonborn,

It has come to my attention citizen that you have slayed a mighty dragon and are now what many Nords call the fabled "dragonborn". I want to congratulate you for bringing hope to the people of Skyrim in their darkest hour.

Regards, General Tullius

P.S. I hope you forgive me for the fact that I attempted to detach your head from your body, it was an accident.

Dear Legate Rikke,

Divines! I think Hadvar is on to us. Why do you have to be so loud? We will have to do it in the cellar next time.

Regards, General Tullius

Dear Galmar Stone-Fist,

I was not aware that you had feelings for your commander and that you fantasize doing that with him everyday. I will do my best to rid myself of those images as soon as possible. It is also beyond me as to why you are bringing these concerns to me of all people.

Regards, General Tullius


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Ri'saad the Khajiit trader,

What the hell are you talking about? You must be mistaken, I never ordered a delivery of skooma, I am not an addict like you low class cat-scum!

Meow meow, General Tullius

Dear Legate Rikke,

Don't worry babe, I'm not a skooma addict, the two-dozen skooma bottles in front of the palace are not for me. The delivery was a mistake; you can go ahead and cancel the therapy session.

Regards, General Tullius

Dear Legate Rikke,

You what? Why would you tell all your friends that I was an addict? Even if I was hypothetically a skooma addict it should be a closely guarded secret between us! I thought you were better; give me a list of all the people who you spread word to.

Regards, General Tullius

(Attachment- list of names)

Dear Hadvar,

You have your orders solder, I need you to assassinate all the people that are on the list attached to this letter. Good luck.

Regards, General Tullius

P.S. No the rumors are false; I'm not actually a skooma addict.

Dear Legate Rikke,

Oh gods, what a loss! Nine of your friends were found dead this morning in the Solitude gutters, and another six lynched by the lamppost? Mara preserve us!

Regards, General Tullius

(Attachment- Several sweetrolls)

Dear Elisid the Fair,

Your highness, please forgive me for not attending your late husband's funeral. Perhaps it will help you to speak with Legate Rikke, she has also suffer a couple tragic losses as of late. Hopefully the sweet rolls will soothe your rage and sorrow.

Regards, General Tullius

Dear Ralof,

What the hell? I cannot read your letter; it is a mix of chicken scratch and nordic slang. I was not aware that you and your sister do that, but I'll remind you that incest is banned within the Empire. Please do not write to me ever again while under the influence, imbecile!


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: Yes guys! First fanfic and I am having a blast! When Skyrim first came out I looked around on this site and I was like, "Skyrims very cool, but why does everyone have to go into the "adventure format" story style?" Where is the random humor? I came up with this idea of letters, but never really went though with it. Almost two years later I finally made an account and started on my pet project. It's been a ton of fun for me (I hope you had a laugh too), so just sit back and lolz as you see Tullius deal with the war and dragons, cope with skooma and love, butter up royalty and Thalmor, and other silly randomness though letters. And also special thanks to searece, voltagelisa, valerianus, guest, and ghost132435 for reviews n follows! To be completely honest, it doesn't "mean the world to me, or light up a 4th o July smile" like all the other authors on the site, but I still appreciate it so go head n follow review!**

Dear Brynjolf,

Normally I do not bother with speaking to lower class hooligans such as yourself (no offense meant of course) but it has come to my attention that my entire reserve of sweet rolls suddenly vanished yesterday. I will politely request that you return them to Castle Dour before the week is up. If I do not see stacks of sweet rolls piled up in the courtyard by then I will have to…uh..unleash my immanent fury on you! Yeah, so fuck off milk drinker!

Regards, General Tullius

Dear Galmar Stone-Fist,

Perhaps the best way to express your feelings to your superior is to confess to him. Yes it will then be incredibly awkward between you two, and will immensely cripple the Stormcloak war effort; but remember, this is in the interest of love my friend.

Regards, General Tullius

Dear Ulfric Stormcloak,

No, it is not unusual at all for a subornate of the same sex to confess their undying love to their commander in front of the entire court. I'm sure a bunch of racist, magic-hating, discriminating, drunk Nords will have absolutely no problem with a gay high king! In fact I have already arranged a honeymoon for you and Galmar to go to Solstheim; I've heard the weather there is lovely!

Regards, General Tullius

Dear Legate Rikke,

Now we strike! The fools are off to a frozen wasteland; we assault Windhelm at first light tomorrow! Long live the Empire!

Regards, General Tullius

P.S. You think if I wasn't a Legion general I could make a good couple's counselor?

Dear Brynjolf,

Dirty son of bitch, cutting off the mead supply to Solitude was low even for you. You can keep the sweet rolls, I hope you choke on em'.

Regards, General Tullius

Dear Elenwen,

There is no lady half as wise, powerful, deadly, beautiful, sexy, et cetera et cetera as yourself. I'm sorry you intercepted the letter I sent to a dear friend concerning my stance on the you, the Thalmor and Aldmeri Dominion. Rest assured my lady, I would never call you a "knife-eared whore" or that your kind's skin color looks like my piss.

Regards, General Tullius

P.S. Please reframe from sending a dozen assassins


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note: I'm new and ignorant to writing fanfic, but are authors supposed to plan out the story in advance and have a dozen chpters prepared so they can update regularly? Cause I just go on the fly and in fact I'm not even sure if what I'm writing can be considered a story. Blah whatever review, follow, hav a laugh, etc. **

**P.S. Tullius is going to briefly go into super rage beast mode so beware of strong language **

Dear Elewen,

Yes of course I will be delighted to attend your baby shower! Shall I bring a couple of Lizard strippers to the party like last time? Or perhaps several bottles of skooma?

Regards, General Tullius

* * *

Dear Dragonborn,

This is what I have feared Dragonborn; Ulfric has poisoned your mind! Yes, we were going to execute you for no reason! But is that the only argument you have!?

Hugges and kisses plz join the Legion, General Tullius

* * *

Dear Dragonborn,

What do you mean it's the only argument you need!? You know what, fuck you and fuck the stupid Nord legends! All you do is hide behind Lydia's back and do a little squeaking here and there! Guess what? I don't need a fucking celebrity to win this war! In fact it's shouldn't even be considered a war, cause I'm going up against primitive savages! You little bitch, take you Dragon shit to Ulfric and be his little whore! When I defeat the Stormcloaks I will have a giant rape your ass, then let half a dozen mammoths shit on you, order the guards to unleash countless arrows to your knees, and finally have mages burn you alive, resurrect you, then burn you again for my entertainment!

SMD, General Tullius

* * *

Dear Hadvar,

The fuck do you mean, the Dragonborn single-handedly took over Markarth!? And no, I never said anything foul to the Dragonborn!

Regards, General Tullius

* * *

(Attachment- A dozen bottles of skooma)

Dear Dragonborn,

Let me first say how disgraced I am of myself for behaving the way I did. I must have had to much to drink that night, cause why would anyone in their right minds insult the greatest Nord hero from the legends! My deepest apologies oh great and mighty Dovakin!

Regards, General Tullius

P.S. I'm not sure if you're an addict but attached to this letter are what I hope is proper compensation for my misconduct.

**Tell me how you felt bout this chapter, not sure how I feel about it myself? But BIG things are in store for the next update…*barely contains excitement*…..SEASON UNENDING!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note: Season Unending!**

* * *

Dear Dragonborn,

Yes I would be delighted to attend the negotiations as long as Ulfric acts like a human being and controls his inner scumbag.

Regards, General Tullius

P.S. And yes of course I memorized and will respect the Greybeards' house-rules

* * *

Dear Elewen,

Your highness that is atrocious, I would never try to attend an important meeting that will determine the fate of Skyrim without inviting you. You are welcome to tag along as long as you keep your illusion magic behind in your torture chambers.

Regards, General Tullius

* * *

Dear Elisif the Fair,

I heard my lady that you have a weakness for honey so I composed this just for you:

Buzz, buzz busy bee, is your honey sweet?

Yes sir, yes sir, sweet enough to eat.

Honey on your muffin, honey on your cake,

Honey by the spoonful, as much as I can make.

Buzz, buzz busy bee, is your honey sweet?

Yes sir, yes sir, sweet enough to eat.

I heard from a certain someone that the largest bee farm rests atop a mountain known as the Throat of the World. Legate Rikke and I will be paying a visit to High Hrothgor, a temple nearby the honey-farm. Would you like to come with us?

Regards, General Tullius

* * *

Dear Rikke,

Babe I booked us the perfect vacation to relieve the stress from this petty war. It's high up in the isolated mountains, with a great view, personal servants to do our bidding, friends and family, animals to entertain us, beautiful weather, and fancy exotic food.

XOXO, General Tullius

* * *

Dear Rikke,

How was I supposed to know to know you were scared of heights, that the view would be blocked by constant snowstorms, that the Greybeards were not servants, or that Tullius and Elisif were not your idea of family and friends, or that Paarthurnax was not an entertainer, or that the weather atop the Throat of the World was atrocious, or that stale bread and cheese was not your idea of fancy exotic food?

Sobbs, General Tullius

* * *

Dear Ulfric Stormcloak,

Under normal circumstances I would not bother to even speak to lowlife like you, but I have a proposal that I wish for you to heed. A most noble trade that will benefit both sides greatly! I want the city of Riften and in exchange I will hand over Jarl Elisif the Fair of Solitude. What do you say barbarian?

Regards, General Tullius

* * *

Dear Jarl Elisif the Fair,

My lady you must not believe these pathetic rumors! Why in the world would I trade the stupid figurehead…I mean the leader! Yes, the leader of the war effort against the rebels. You might be young, stupid, naïve, whiny, powerless, insecure, fugly, and extremely annoying among countless other things, but I would never hand you over to that bloodthirsty savage who murdered your late husband! Pelos bless his soul! Or was it Kalos? Surely it can't be yolo…oh Talos! Talos bless you and your wimpy late husband!

Smiles, General Tullius


End file.
